End of Life Conversation Starters
One of the most difficult conversations in our lifetimes may be the one that covers how those lifetimes might end. Here are some conversation starters for sharing and learning:
What are your end of life wishes? And how do you share them with your loved ones? How can you be sure they will carry out your wishes if the time comes?
What are their end of life wishes? And what will you choose for them if called upon to make those tough decisions? How will you know what those choices are?
And what if you aren't sure about your own choices? Starting the conversation may help you make those determinations. Take a look at these ideas and adjust them to fit your circumstances.
Setting the Stage
A difficult conversation such as one about end of life choices might be easiest in a group. When your family comes together at the holidays, or even with your book club or dinner group, use one of the suggestions below. Some safety or comfort is in numbers. It becomes more philosophical and less personal. You can move it into the more personal realm once the conversation has begun.
If a glass of wine loosens up the conversation, so be it!
Before you get started, make yourself familiar with the decisions that need to be made, and the possibilities for the ways life may be prolonged or pain controlled, plus the options for organ donation or death with dignity.
Remember that having this conversation and later recording your choices may save you and your loved one a great deal of heartache, and perhaps even your family's savings. It's worth overcoming the resistance to such a conversation to smooth the edges when the time comes that knowledge of the answers is necessary.
Find An Example from Your Family
Think of a relative who died long enough ago that the emotion has passed, but the memories are still there. In my family, it was Great Aunt Dorothy who died from breast cancer in the 1950s when she was only 49. In those days, people didn't even use the term "cancer," as if it were a foul word, or uttering it would make it happen. So Aunt Dorothy has been a good conversation starter.
- "Does anyone know how Great Aunt Dorothy died? No one ever talked about it then. I wonder if she died at home?"
- "Do you remember Dad's cousin Harold who was in a coma for a month? I wonder if there was any argument about keeping him on that ventilator? It must have cost them a fortune to keep him alive, but maybe that's what he wanted?"
Find an Example from the News
These examples are, sadly, plentiful and much less personal than choosing someone in your own family to discuss.
- "How sad for the parents of the child who drowned last week. But how generous they were to donate her organs."
- "Remember Terry Shaivo, the woman who was in a coma for years? I would never want that to happen. If the doctors tell you there's little hope for me, let me go!"
Use a Conversation Prop
Many books and movies deal with end of life, which are good stories and not just maudlin. Discuss one of these books with your loved one or a group of friends. Or watch a movie with your spouse or children -- whomever will make decisions for you. After, use the story to springboard your own discussion about end of life wishes.
(Do you have a suggestion for a book or a movie that could start this conversation? See the link below and make your suggestion.)
Blame Someone Else for the Necessity of the Conversation
Sometimes it's easier just to offset the blame.
- "Pastor Jones raised the question about what choices we would make at the ends of our lives, and I realized I don't know what your choices would be.... any thoughts?"
- "My attorney wants me to fill out proxy paperwork. Will you help me?"
- "Dr. PrimaryCare wants to include a healthcare proxy in our records, so we need to fill out this paperwork. What do we want to designate?"
Once you begin the conversation, it will take on a life of its own. It may get lively, and it may even take directions you don't expect. Make sure you keep it on topic as long as is necessary to get the answers you need, or to make the points you want to make. Then, follow up by filling out the necessary paperwork and advance directives.
Do you have ideas for starting the conversation? Why not share them with others?
