If you are a regular reader, you've perhaps read previous posts about my family's experience with my mother as she transitioned through Alzheimer's disease. For more than a decade, it has been a heartbreaking and frustrating experience to watch Mom descend into her own hell -- a wonderful human being who lost her ability to relate to the world around her.
Mom died last week, bringing a very peaceful end to that hell-on-earth. We know she is no longer incarcerated in a body that won't let her participate in the events and conversations around her. I've written my public good-bye to her elsewhere....
My post for you today regards what was perhaps the only positive part of this experience from our family's point of view. That is, the fact that Mom and Dad had taken the time many years ago to put together some of their advance directives, to prepare for a time when one of them would have to care for the other.
They have/had wills -- but that's really a separate subject. More important to Mom's end-of-life was the fact that they had signed DNRs - do-not-resuscitate orders. And when Mom had a heart attack about 13 days before she died, that told the professionals that they were not to take extraordinary steps to revive her.
And that was a blessing.
For the next 13 days, Mom was cared for very lovingly by the staff in the memory center where she lived (assisted living / skilled nursing), but received no hydration or nutrition. She was comfortable, received pain drugs, and was in a coma. In the end, her transition was as peaceful and gentle as it could have been.
I share with you two pieces of advice today. First, to remind you of a post from last week about memory screening. Thousands of locations -- tomorrow -- in clinical settings, will be available for you to get your memory tested.
And second, especially as the holidays begin next week, meaning, time with our families and loved ones... it's time to discuss how you want to die. It's time to have that conversation so that you, too, will find peace in your final days.
There is one other lesson we learned that surprised me at first. That is -- Mom had wanted to be an organ donor. Dad talked to the people from hospice about it, and learned that organ donation can only take place when someone dies in a hospital. Of course, that makes perfect sense! We just had not given it any thought before.
Finally -- a thank you -- BIG thank yous -- to Bev, Jeannie and Lena and the rest of the staff at the Glenridge, where Mom has lived for almost five years; to TideWell Hospice of Sarasota, FL -- Sharon, Donavan and Tina, were by Mom's side for these past few months. And special loving thanks to Dad, who was there for Mom for 60+ years, even more devotedly for the past decade - a caregiver supreme.
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Photo © Trisha Torrey
What a beautiful blog post, and our thoughts our with you, Trisha.
Trisha, my condolences to you and your family. It sounds like you’ve really held things together. Take good care and remember that towards your mother and through this site, you have been so giving.
When my wife died from lung cancer in 2005, she also had an easy death, thanks to hospice. She was able to die at home. She too had wanted to be an organ donor, but the cancer ruled that out.
My father returned to Ireland to die from complications of Alzheimers. There’s a long and not too pleasant immediate family story there. But his nieces and nephews in Ireland made sure he got excellent care.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your at the loss of your mom.
My prayers, thoughts and blessings are with and your family. God Bless You, Trisha!
one other thing that is really important with advance directives is that the hospital, nursing home or other facility has a copy of it – AND also that you as the family member know where to find this advance directive in th event, God Forbid, there is an accident or unexpected event where you as the patient would not want to be resuscitated.
if no one can find the advance directive, it won’t help. it also won’t help if it is not appropriately witnessed if that is required in the state that you live in.
i keep several copies of my advance directive that are signed and witnessed in a safe at home where my kids know to find it in a notebook. my attorney and accountant also have copies of it — the number for the safe is accessible to them and they know it – and i also have a friend with a copy.
my beloved late husband used to always say to me “wear a belt, and suspenders too!” and this is my way of doing that – so that to the extent that I can, I am allowed to have a peaceful transition.
this is a very important piece of your mom’s transition trisha – and she and your dad did a great service by stepping up to the plate and making their wishes known.
thanks for sharing this.